Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
