Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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