Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
