I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
