Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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