omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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