best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
