Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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