I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize