His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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