she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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