Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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