if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
