Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize