She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
