cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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