I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
