you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
My vagina is officially offended.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize