And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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