I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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