Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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