I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize
