Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
