Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
All the doctor said was why
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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