Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
