we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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