You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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