Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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