Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
