seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Randomize
