i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
