it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
