I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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