He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
