My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
