Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
