A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Two words: blizzard sex
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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