its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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