it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
