He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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