I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize