I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
