3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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