I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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