Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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