pedialite and red bull = repair kit
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
