WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
