Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
