i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
