my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
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