I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
