Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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