my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize