oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
