If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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