I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
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