My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
