Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
