areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
well you can't waste a boner
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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