im six kinds of drunk right now
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
