I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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