Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
