just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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