After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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