I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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