did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Randomize
