he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
The feeling are messing with the penis
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
